


Broken

by rainbow_salt



Series: Redemption Lies Plainly in Truth [2]
Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Abuse, Aftermath of Suicide Attempt, Azula (Avatar) Needs a Hug, Azula (Avatar)-centric, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kinda, More tags might be added, Past Abuse, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Zuko (Avatar) is a Good Brother
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-10
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:08:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27990522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainbow_salt/pseuds/rainbow_salt
Summary: Only one question echoes in her head as they are standing on top of the roof.Why? Why did he save her?
Relationships: Azula & Zuko (Avatar)
Series: Redemption Lies Plainly in Truth [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2041687
Comments: 21
Kudos: 82





	1. Why did you save me?

_Zuko_.

What is he doing here? Why is he holding her?

Maybe she is already dead. That must be the only explanation as to why her brother seemingly saved her life just a few seconds ago.

But it feels real.  _ He  _ feels real.

His body is shaking as his arms are wrapped around her.  _ Is he crying? _

Neither of them say anything as they just stand there for what feels like an eternity. None of them have anything to say.

Azula is still in shock, she can’t even properly react to what is happening yet. One moment, she was about to fall into her death, about to be free, and the next, she is standing once again on that damned roof with her brother hugging her.

She doesn’t know what to feel about any of this. She hates Zuko for not letting her go, but a small, tiny part in her mind is glad that he didn’t.

“Azula, I am so sorry...” Zuko finally chokes out, his tears are dampening her silk robe as he mutters against her shoulder.

“For what?” Her voice comes out croaked, but still cold and distant.  _ She doesn’t feel anything. _

“For... For... I don’t know!” He lets go of her finally, wiping away his cheeks, and she has to hold onto the railing to not collapse as her legs refuse to carry her. She tries not to make it obvious. “For not seeing... For not paying attention.  _For everything_.”

“I think there is no point on dwelling on the past, is there, Zuzu?”  _Hypocrite_ ,  she says to herself. Dwelling on the past is all she does.

“No, I guess there isn’t...” He looks sad, regretful even. “Come back inside with me, Azula. Please...” He almost begs, afraid that she might try again.

She won’t. Not now anyways. Not when he is here.

Instead, she let’s go of the railing and starts walking back inside with shaky legs. As she stumbles, she feels strong arms holding her again.  _ She feels weak. _

“I can walk on my own...” She mutters, but lets him help her nonetheless. She is sure she would fall down if he didn’t.

When they arrive to her room, he lingers in front of the door, looking unsure. Azula can tell he doesn’t want to go. What she can’t understand is why.  _ Why does he care? _

She sighs as she opens the door to her room, not closing it behind her as she enters and walks towards her bed.

She looks at the doorway and sees her brother hesitating. “Will come in or just stand there the whole day?” She tries to sound annoyed, but in reality, she is just too tired to care.

This invitation seems to be what Zuko was expecting to hear though, as he enters the room finally, closing the door softly behind him.

He sits next to her on the bed and both of them keep their silence.  _ It is suffocating. _

She wants him to say something, and nothing at all, both at the same time. 

And in the meantime, only one question is lingering in her head.

She is the one to break the silence. “ _Why?_ ”

Her brother looks at her with a raised eyebrow, visibly confused. 

“Why did you save me?” She clarifies, and almost enjoys his confusion transforming into shock, and even horror.

“ _Why?!_ ”  His eyes are wide as he repeats in complete disbelief. “Azula, you are my sister.” He hesitantly reaches for her hand with his own but she pushes it away.

“Don’t!” Her voice is threatening, as she stands up, and she knows that for a moment, he saw in her eyes the Azula he used to know. “Don’t you dare start now! After everything you did to me, after you took away everything from me, how dare you say that?!” But her outburst weakens her and she sinks back into her soft mattress.

Zuko looks down, they are walking on a dangerous path. He looks like he is weighing his words before speaking. “I know I haven’t always been there for you...” He starts softly and Azula scoffs. “But I am here now. I can’t make up for all the years we’ve lost, but we can turn on a new page.”

“It’s too late for me...” She whispers quietly, she is struggling to keep her walls up. She is starting to crumble, and she is not sure if she can take Zuko seeing that. “I am broken.”

“No, you are not.” He softly places a hand on her arm, and though she visibly flinches, she doesn’t push him away this time. “It’s never too late for redemption.”

The back of her eyes is starting to burn, but she blinks a few times to push the feeling away. “And what would we do, Zuzu?” She asks bitterly. “Would we just forget everything, would we chit-chat as you braid my hair, would I join your pathetic little group, would we pretend like almost every pain I went through was not because of you?” She is trying to hurt him, and it works.

“Azula, I’ve never tried to hurt you...” He lets his hand fall back on the bed, dejected.

“So you weren’t trying to hurt me when you stole the throne from me, when you put a strait jacket on me and locked me in a nuthouse? You weren’t trying to hurt me when you occupied every empty space on mother’s heart? You weren’t trying to hurt me when you left me here alone because you were too much of a coward to fight back?!” Her voice cracks as tears start to fall down her cheeks with her having no way of stopping them. “You have everything I wanted!”

“ _Me?!_ ”  Zuko jerks up his head, incredulous. “You were always so perfect. The firebending prodigy. You had everything someone could ever ask for.”

“Not everything. You were the one people loved. No one ever cared about me.” She tries to hide how much this actually bothers her. “Not you, not my mother, not anyone.”

“I do care.” He protests, sounding helpless. “And mother did as well. I am sure of it.”

“Oh, really?” Azula’s voice is taunting. “And when exactly did she tell you that? During one of many times she was with you and never with me?!”

Zuko rubs his face, seemingly at a loss for words. “Father loved you...” He almost whispers, which only earns a dry laugh from Azula.

“You are as oblivious to everything as you were as a child, Zuzu.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You are not the only one with scars.” She had thought she would be embarassed to admit it, but seeing his expression change suddenly, and crumple with horror is almost worth it. She almost enjoys it.

“Did he... What... What did he do?” He struggles to speak.

“Oh, what  _ didn’t  _ he do?” She replies bitterly. “You think your life is so sad because your daddy burnt your face? I took it all silently for years! Years, Zuzu, years! And do you know why is that? Because I am not weak like you!”

“Azula...” He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, trying to keep his voice steady but failing miserably. “I am sorry. I didn’t know...”

“How could you?” She rolls her eyes, but her shaky voice betrays her. “You weren’t there to know. No one was. With mother gone, and with you gone, who else was he suppose to torture?” Her tone is sarcastic, but she knows that the pain under it is evident for even someone as dense as her brother.

She watches as different expressions goes across his face in the span of just a few seconds.  _ Shock, hurt, regret, confusion. _

“Wait... mom too?” He asks and Azula feels anger rising in her chest. Even now, even in this situation, he cares about someone who has abandoned them more than he does about her.  _ He never cared about her! Why did he bother with saving her then? _

“You really are stupid, Zuzu.” Her voice is cold, words are dripping with venom. “Did you really believe that we were one happy family? Didn’t you hear them argue all the time? Didn’t you hear the sobs coming from their room?”  _ Because she surely did. _

She remembers being around four or five years old, hugging the pillow close to her chest as she was buried under her bedsheets, wishing for the yelling and the screaming to stop. Of course, she didn’t fully comprehend it back then, but it had felt wrong.

“And if you ask me, she deserved it.”  _ Hurt him, so he doesn’t know how hurt you are. _

“Azula, you can’t possibly mean that!” Zuko’s face twists in shock against the horrible thing her sister has just said. “You of all people can’t possibly mean that!”

“Me of all people?” She asks, narrowing her eyes. “What exactly do you mean by that, dear brother? Do you mean I can’t think that because I am broken and scarred just like her?!”

“No, Azula, that’s not what—“ She cuts him off, she suddenly can’t stand his presence there.

“Well, guess what! I am not her! And I am not you!” She is not. She is not weak. She can handle things on her own. Even if it means ending it all.

“I never said you were.” He holds out his hands defensively, his voice gentle. “Azula, calm down. Stop shutting people out, please.” Despite her outburst and the anger she buries her feelings underneath, he speaks as if she is going to break.  _ She hates it. _

“You pity me, don’t you?” Why does he pity her? She never showed him any mercy, not even when their father scarred his face in front of everyone. She hates that he pities her, but hates the fact that she thinks she is not deserving of even  _ that,  _ more.

“I...” He trails off, sighing, before trying again. “I don’t pity you. I feel bad for you, Azula. You didn’t deserve this. None of us did.”

“It was to make me stronger. So that I wouldn’t become like you.” She knows she is parroting her father’s words exactly. Just thinking about it causes a lump to form in her throat. She swallows it down.  _Put your walls back up._ “He did all of these to me because  you  were weak. If you didn’t turn out to be such a disappointment, he wouldn’t have to prevent me from being one!”

“These are his words, not yours.” He sees right through her, and she has to give it to him, he seems to be keeping his cool very well.

_Yet another reason to hate him._

He was always the impulsive one. She was calm and collected. He would lash out, she would keep her cool. He could explode at any moment, she was always precise. He couldn’t control his emotions, she kept a lid on them. How did the things change like this?

She wants him to react, to explode. She wants to keep pushing him to his limit until he does. He feels too much like her mother when he stands so calmly in front of her, belittling her with his newfound control he has on his emotions. A control she long since lost.

“Don’t analyze me, Zuzu! I had plenty of people to do that in that institution  _ you  _ put me in!

“It was for your own good.” He protests, but looks almost regretful. She knows it’s a facade, it has to be. Why would he regret it?

“My own good, or yours?” She probes. “Were you scared that I could kill you in your sleep?”

“No! I never even thought—“

“I am mentally deranged, am I not? I am a hazard to others. That’s why they tied up my hands and arms. That’s why they had people restraining me even when I was taking a bath!” Her voice is getting louder with each word.

Anger is the only way she knows to keep her defenses from crumbling. Anger is safe, anger is familiar. So she is mustering up all the pain inside her and directing it to her brother in the form of wrath. “Why couldn’t you just let me die?! If you want to get rid of me so bad, why save me?!”

“Azula—“ His expression is painful when she cuts him off once more.

“Do you know how humiliating it is?! How humiliating it was to let them see these?!” She rolls up the sleeve of her robe to reveal a deep burn etched into her upper arm. Clear marks of fingers. It has long been healed, but the memories still remain. Several less deep scars are also decorating her pale arms. She remembers each and every one. “Or these?!” This time she lifts her skirt up to her thigh to show another set of burns, more gruesome than the ones in her arm. 

She used to have many more marks, but bruises faded with time. Only scars remain. 

She looks at her brother’s horrified expression, and revels in it. “Azula...” He whispers, tears are starting to fill his eyes once more. 

Then watches as confusion takes over. “B-but, in Ember Island, you didn’t have...”

She laughs dryly. “Nothing some makeup and jewellery can’t hide.” His father knows where to leave his marks very well.  _ Ever the strategist.  _ She had learned to hide them well after years as well.  _She is her father’s daughter after all_.  Besides, the worst ones had happened after the day of black sun.

“And maybe you weren’t just paying attention.” She adds bitterly. Why would he?  _ Why would anyone?  _ Even if they did see a scar on her, they would just assume it to be a training accident, or something that happened during combat.

Because that’s what people do. People are stupid. They are all so blind, always trying to see the best. Except when it comes to her.

_Monster. Ruthless. Cruel. Bitch._

She hears the words echoing, she is about to break down again. Not now. Not in front of him.

Then, finally, anger. “I am going to kill him!” Zuko clenches his fists at his sides, and Azula can’t help but smirk a little at her victory.  _ Now that’s more like the Zuko she knows. _

“We both know you won’t.” She taunts him further. The victory she revels in keeps the thoughts at bay. “Don’t give promises you can’t keep, it never ends well for anyone.” Zuko doesn’t have the nerve to kill anyone, let alone their father.

“Now get out! I had enough talking.” Everything is too much.

She is feeling everything at the same time. She is furious, she is exhausted, she is embarassed, she is devastated.

Zuko hesitates, he doesn’t get up from the bed.

Azula wants to push him. What right does he have to linger around, after he invaded her life like that?!

“I said leave me alone!” She is using her last bit of effort to not scream. 

“Okay, fine. I will leave.” His voice sounds like he is trying to soothe her, like he is talking to a child. After all of her provocations, why is he still being good to her?

 _ Because he is stupid and weak,  _ she reminds herself. And she hates the fact that she even has to.

“I will leave, but on one condition.” He gets up but looks her straight in the eye.  _She won’t look away_.  “I want you to promise me that you will never try something like this. Please...” The anger in his eyes had turned to sorrow, he is almost begging. “At least, come talk to me if you ever feel the urge to do it.”

The idea of talking to Zuko about wanting to kill herself makes her shudder. He doesn’t understand. He never will. He always had someone to hold him every time he fell down. First mother, then uncle, and now his friends, while she was never allowed to even fall down. She was only faced with harsh words when she did.

“What did I just tell you about giving promises you can’t keep?” She asks almost emotionlessly, and his face crumples in pain once again.

“I just want you to know I am here for you...” He chokes on the last word and lowers down his head.

“Close the door behind you.” Almost as if she didn’t hear him, she lies down on the bed and faces away from him, refusing to look until he leaves.

Finally when he hears the soft sound of the door closing, and not so stable footsteps walking away, she buries her head in her pillow and screams.

She lets the tears fall freely from her eyes as she sobs.

She cries herself to sleep, and it is so familiar that it is almost comforting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it goes, I wrote it sooner than I expected. This story will be a multi-chaptered one, focusing on improving the relationship between Zuko and Azula, while she is still struggling with suicidal thoughts. I am planning on making this series strictly Azula-centric, I think it would help the feeling if the reader only knows what Azula’s thoughts and not the other characters’. I am considering writing one chapter in Zuko’s perspective later though. I have to admit, writing from Azula’s perspective, especially since she is not the most mentally stable she has been at the moment, is challenging. I hope I’ve managed to write her accurately and did not make her OOC. 
> 
> Anyways, thank you so much for reading, please let me know what you think!


	2. The mirror is broken now, and so is she

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for self harm!

A week passes. Same boring routine.

Zuko comes with her food everyday, she barely eats. He attempts conversation, she barely speaks. He apologizes for Agni knows what for hundreds of times, she pays no attention.

A part of her hates him. A part of her blames him. If it weren’t for him, she would be at peace right now.

She is under supervision, and she despises it. Why can’t they just let her die in peace?!  _ As if they would miss her. _

Zuzu just doesn’t want to feel the guilt if she dies. He doesn’t want the burden of her death on him. That’s why he checks on her, she is certain of it.

...

More days pass. She doesn’t even know what time is it, or what day is it. She lost track some time ago.

She feels miserable, pathetic. Her curtains are always closed now, blocking away the sun. The only things indicating if it is morning or night are the meals Zuko brings her.

Zuko comes in with her breakfast. “Good morning, Azula.” He says with a forced cheerfulness. She didn’t sleep last night.

He puts the tray on the bed and sits down. “How are you?” He asks, and she has to admit that he is making an effort.

“Fine.” A usual lie, they both know but neither comment on it. She doesn’t ask how he is. She doesn’t care.

A moment of silence, longer and more awkward than usual, until Zuko sighs, looking at her.

“Azula, it can’t go on like this. You are practically rotting in your room.”

“Then let me rot.” She replies curtly. She doesn’t want to go back among the people who hate her. People who see her as who she is. _ A monster _ _._ “Not that you care anyways.”

“I do care!” He protests. “How can’t you see that? I am trying to reach out to you, but you don’t even talk to me.”

“I don’t have anything to say, Zuzu.”

“Azula, you tried to kill herself less than a month ago.” His voice is soothing and calm, but she can hear the tremor in it. “You must have at least _something_ to say.”

Hearing Zuko putting it so bluntly shakes Azula, making her breath getting caught in her throat. “What do you expect me to say? Do you expect me to cry? To tell you my sob stories about how father abused me?!” Her words come out frantic, angry. “Forget it, Zuzu!”

“Azula I—“

“Leave.”

“I am not going to leave you like this! Not again.”

She can feel the fury growing inside her, rising in her chest.  _ Why doesn’t he just leave?! _

“I. Said.  _Leave_!”  A blind rage takes over, flinging the food tray on the other side of the room, jumping to her feet. Blue flames appear on her clenched fists without her even realizing.

Her brother’s eyes widen, and in her wrath she feels a sick sense of satisfaction. Even in her miserable state, she can still instil fear in him.

Zuko mumbles an apology that she is too angry to hear, before scrambling to his feet, leaving the room.

_ See, he doesn’t actually care. _

Azula looks after him for the briefest of seconds before looking away, catching a glimpse of her reflection in the mirror.

With her messy hair, eyes gleaming with fury, smoke coming out of her nose, she can see herself as what others see her. She truly looks like a monster.

She punches the mirror with an immense strenght that no one would believe this frail body can possess.

The mirror is broken now, and so is she.

She sinks to the ground on the shattered pieces of glass, staring blankly at the wall in front of her.

Her anger is gone, leaving her only with a hollow numbness once again.

But she flinches when she feels a sting on her right hand, then warm liquid running. Suprised at the sensation, she lifts up her hand to investigate the source of the pain, noticing the deep cut on the side. She must have cut it while smashing the mirror.

But it is not the blood and the cut that suprise her. It is the fact that she feels  _something_.  After months, she finally feels something other than numbness and anger.

She relishes in the feeling of pain. So different than the pain of the burns and bruises she bears.

Curiously, she takes a shard of broken glass from the floor, lifting it up to examine it. A thought occurs in her mind. _What if..._

Then with a hand shaking with expectancy, she presses the glass on her wrist.   


She watches, almost in a trance, as the bright red blood appears on her alabaster skin. A perfect contrast. Probably the only thing that has been perfect about her in such a long time.

The pain comes immedietly. A sharp sting, it doesn’t ache. It doesn’t _burn_. Warm blood running down her wrist tickles her skin, and she savors the sensation. She loves the feeling it gives.

It is then that she realizes with a start. _She_ can inflict wounds on herself too, it is not only a power her father possesses. She slides the now bloody glass on her wrist gently.

And it almost feels like taking back control.


End file.
